Spock Knows
by Way Walker
Summary: This is centred on the scene in the episode For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky where McCoy finds out that Kirk has told Spock about his illness. McCoy’s POV.
1. Chapter 1

For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky

DISCLAIMER: I don't and will never own the rights to Star Trek or anything else. I am not making any money from this what so ever, honest.

I woke up to a headache and the sight of a very concerned Kirk leaning over me.

"Bones, how is it?"

For a moment I wonder where we are and what he means by that question. I look at his face, etched with worry and it all comes flying back. We are on ship that has an appearance of an asteroid and the people living on it believe that they are living on a planet.

I have Xenopolycythemia.

There is no cure.

I have one year to live.

I am … dying.

"I'm all right," I said, not willing to admit that I'm in pain. I am not going to let Spock know I was anything other then fine; I don't want anyone to treat me differently. I look around the room we are in so I don't have to stare into Kirks worried gaze any longer; he is still leaning over me and I now notice that Spock too is standing by me.

"Are you all right, Mr. Spock?" I ask, hoping to distract the attention away from me. Is it just me or do I see emotion in those eyes - sadness and pity? No, he has no reason to suspect anything about my current condition; maybe I am just being paranoid.

"Very well, Doctor. The Captain and I seem to have suffered no ill effects" replied Spock.

Fantastic and I feel dizzy.

I continue to look at Spock and as I look into his eyes there is no hint of any emotion that I thought I saw just a second ago, yes I must have just imagined it. "Oh, that oracle really got to me" I said as I try to push myself up, but sensing my struggle Spock took hold of my arm and began to help me up. "I must be especially susceptible to its magic spells" I said this more to Jim, willing, or warning him not to make a big issue about it. However before I even finish my sentence I notice that Spock's hand is still resting on my shoulder. Jim notices that I noticed.

He wouldn't …

I glance at him and he nods his head in answer to my silent question.

He didn't …

"Spock knows" he says gently.

He did. I look back at Spock and wince in surprise at the concern evident in his eyes and quickly glance away. I can't even keep eye contact with him. I am angry with Jim at revealing my secret but at the same time I understand why he broke my confidence. I was incapacitated longer then either of them and Spock would only question why that was. Kirk knew that I wouldn't have told Spock myself, he probably thinks he has a right to know, it was only logical that Spock should know about my condition, logical. Oh what am I saying!? Of course Spock should know about … about my illness. We seldom show the affection I know is there between us, does he even know I wonder how much I value his friendship. Knowing that my friends both know makes the truth so much harder to face. I just wish things could go back to the way they were, that's why I came on this mission, to show myself that nothing has …

"Well, we better get to the control room" I said to break the uneasy silence that has fallen over us after Kirk's announcement. I stood up; pulling myself free of Spock's grasp as I tell myself this is no time to dwell on such matters. If I am going to be mad at Jim, I'd do it later when we were back on the Enterprise. For now we have a mission to complete: getting the people to understand that they are not on a planet, get the ship to change course, find our communicators and … damn! My head hurt. Maybe I should just leave the thinking and planning to Jim as usual.

"Are you in any condition to get up?" Jim asks worriedly. This annoys me greatly, he acts if I am about to die at his feet right here and now.

"Don't worry, I can make it Jim," I assure him, trying not to let my irritation show. However judging from the look he gives me I am unsuccessful.

"Captain, informing these people they are on a ship may be a violation of the Prime Directive of Starfleet Command" said Spock back to business, his eyes now not even hinting at the concern that they held a moment ago. I don't know if he had intended it as such, but Spock has my gratitude; not that I would ever admit to such a thing, for changing the subject as it forces Jim to turn his attention away from me. It also gives Jim something more urgent and pressing to think about while I will the pain in my head to go away. Damn that oracle!

"No," Jim answers. I stop rubbing my head as I pull my attention back to the conversation at hand. No? What is Jim on about? Of course it was, even I could see that and I am a doctor. Maybe that shock he received from that blasted oracle had fried one too many of his brain cells.

"The people of Yonada may be changed by the knowledge," he went on to explain sensing my disagreement and Spock's intrigue, "but it's better than exterminating them."

"Logical, Captain" replies Spock. Oh how I hate that word. Logical yes, but it would still be interfering with the culture's natural progress.

"And the three billion of Darren V" continued Jim, reinforcing his answer.

"Also logical, Captain" said Spock.

I swear if he says logical one more time! But before I say anything I notice that we have company. "Gentlemen I believe we have a visitor" I said bringing Kirk and Spock's attention to the visitor who is still hovering in the doorway. The visitor is an old man dressed in red and white robes that we previously saw worn by the people that live on this ship. He looks around nervously; as if he is not supposed to be here and when he saw we were indeed alone he came towards us.

"For strength," he said as he gave something to each of us from out of his poach. "Many of us have felt the power of our Oracle," the old man explained. I smell what he placed in my hand. "This has been of benefit." I taste it and it tastes like herbs, I would have preferred something stronger but I am not going to be picky.

"Tastes like an ancient herb derivative" I inform the Captain, knowing that he would want to know what he had been given and that it is not harmful.

The old man steps back to regard us; taking in our appearance, gazing at our Starfleet uniform, to him no doubt it would be a strange sight. "You are not of Yonada?" he asks although to me it sounds more like a statement then a question.

"No, we're from outside your world" said Kirk as he nods his head in answer.

"Where ... is outside?" the stranger asks hesitantly, as if afraid the answer would contradict - or confirm - what he thought he already knew.

Jim looked up at the ceiling and motions up with his head. "Up there, outside, up there, everywhere." I cringe; sometimes Jim can be so vague. I gaze at Spock, surprised that he doesn't attempt a further and more scientific explanation to the old mans question.

"So they say, also," agrees the man with a wince. "Many years ago," he confides, "I climbed the mountains, even though it is forbidden." Again that curious wince, it looks as if he needs to take more of the herb derivative himself.

"Why is it forbidden?" Jim further probes.

"I'm not sure" the old man replies in pain, it seems to be increasing as now I can hear it clearly in his voice now. "But things are not …" a hand went to his head, "… not as they teach us." He cries out as he forces out his last words. "For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky."

With theses final words, he screams and begins to fall to the ground. I reach out to catch him and lower him down on to the floor. To my surprise I find that he is not merely unconscious but dead. I kneel over him to try to find out what has caused him to suddenly die and as I take a closer look at him I then notice that something seems to be buried under his skin.

"What is it, Bones?" Jim enquires, noticing my sudden curiosity.

"There's something under the skin" I answer as I touch the point on the man's temple where he had previously been holding it. There, yes I am right in my assumptions as there is something small and circular that glowed red and then went out. What is it? Is this what had caused him so much pain that it had killed him? My musings were cut short as I look back up at the Captain who began speaking again.

"For the world is hollow," spoke Jim softly as if by repeating them he could understand the importance of the words that the man had died for and commit them to memory. "And I have touched the sky."

I sighed.

What the hell have we gotten ourselves into this time?!

AUTHOR NOTE: So what do you think? Please review, I greatly appreciate it – it makes my day.


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Star Trek.

I can't help but think that maybe I should have stayed on the Enterprise. Right this minute I could have been in my office sipping some brandy with my feet up but no I just had to persuade the captain to allow me to come on this mission. Now I am on a ship that the people on it believe it is a planet and I am with a crazy old man who had just mysteriously died. Could this get any worse?

"He said it was forbidden to climb the mountains" Spock mused after Jim finished repeating the last words that the old man had said. Well it's pretty darn obvious to me why it's forbidden.

"Yes, of course it is" Jim said clearly understanding what the crazy old man meant. "Because if you did, you'd touch the sky and find out you were living on a big …" he pauses, probably trying to find a scientific name for the place where we are but unable to think of one he in the end settling for, "… ball. Not a planet but a spaceship. And that knowledge seems to be forbidden." In order to forbid it, someone had to know it. Who? The strange Oracle that these people worship? Why? At that moment Natira chooses to enter, along with two servants, one bearing a tray of food and the other a tray of drinks.

"What happened?" she asks looking down on the dead old man where there I am still kneeling over him. We must look as suspicious as hell. I doubt that getting to my feet as hastily as I am would help matters either but if I am going to be accused of murder I rather be standing up.

"We don't know," Jim said answering her, puzzlement clear in his voice. "He just suddenly screamed in pain and died." I bet that red thing that that I found in the old mans temple which had glowed red for a moment has something to do with it.

"Fetch the guard," Natira instructs one of the women.

Uh oh. We're definitely in trouble here. I really shouldn't have got myself on this mission, me and my big mouth however something surprising happens. Instead of blaming us or shooting at us, she kneels by the old man's head in what seems like a pray.

"Forgive him, for he was an old man," she intones. "And old men are sometimes foolish. But it is written that those of the People who sin or speak evil shall be punished." I have the feeling her words are a warning to us as much as a prayer to the Oracle she obviously reveres so much.

"He served well, for many years" she says, almost sounding as if she was fond of the old man. Hell maybe she was its not like I would know. Natira instructs the guards to, "Take him away. Gently."

At least they care for the dead and I can't help but wonder just where they took their dead 'away' to. Did they bury them; cremate them or something else entirely different? Not knowing they were on a ship would make it kind of hard to 'return them to the stars' as we do when we choose not to take a body back to a planet. Do the people decide what they would do with their bodies when they are gone, when they are … dead?

Like I would …

In a year I would be …

Soon I would have to make some decisions on my own body and … no it's damn too depressing to think about. Suddenly I feel very nauseous and I quickly sit on the bed closest to me, the pain in my head thrumming with the roiling in my stomach. Why can't I just forget what is happening to me, the disease I have? Is it too much to ask?

"You do not seem well," Natira notices as she quickly comes over to my side. "It is distressing to me."

Please not another one! That position is already filled by Jim and its so frustrating for a doctor when people suddenly care and enquire about your health, it should be the other way around damn it!

"Oh, no, I'm quite all right," I assure her sharply hoping that it would be enough for her to leave me alone. But as I look onto her and into her eye I realize that she really does seem concerned about me, I feel honoured to see her so concerned about me, a person, no a complete stranger to her. More gently I continue "Thank you."

Natira looks up at Jim and Spock. "It is the will of the Oracle that you now be treated as honoured guests." Though she spoke to all of us, the last few words are directly toward me. I am not the only one to notice her attentions.

"You seem to be the special favourite," Jim said softly when she left us to speak with the two servants.

"Indeed, Doctor." Spock spoke in his normal stony manner although I could have sworn I saw a teasing glint in his eyes for a moment. "The young lady did show a marked preference for your company."

"Well, now," I said, a little embarrassed but pleased all the same at the woman's attention towards me. It is a nice change as the tables have been turned for it is normally Jim that has all the women affections. "Nobody can blame her for that, can they?" I ask daring them to deny it.

"Personally, I find the lady's taste questionable," Jim said straight faced although I notice that his eyes are brighter then usual so I know that he is only joking with me. "But she obviously prefers you, and you obviously don't seem to mind." A grin softens the words that I know are to come, obviously he's got some kind of plan that involving me seducing this woman. "If you could arrange to be alone with the young lady … Spock and I would be left alone to find the power controls for this" again he pauses as he tries to describe the bizarre place that we have found ourselves guests of this "… world."

Ha I knew it! I just knew that he would make that sort of plan. What is he thinking, asking me to use my natural magnetism to distract her? Maybe I was right when I thought that Jim had damaged a few brain cells when he was shocked by that Oracle. Yes I really should have stayed on the Enterprise. If our positions had been reversed, Jim certainly wouldn't have had any qualms. I don't really like the idea, more because he is suggesting it than any thought I have put into it, charm the gorgeous lady and stay out of harm's way while he and Spock went traipsing around the ship trying to figure out how it ticks. And, presumably, it would also leave me feeling like I am doing something useful. How did he learn to do that? Some days it can be just damn frustrating.

"It is time to refresh yourselves" Natira said to us as she and the servants approach us. Jim ignores the food; does he have the same thought I had earlier? I took one of the drinks whilst handing a cup to Natira who seems surprised by the courtesy.

"Thank you Mr Spock" said Jim as he takes the goblet that Spock hands to him and then rising the goblet in toast says "To our good friends of Yonada."

As me, Jim and Natira drink from our goblets Spock, who had declined the drink, said "We are very interested in your world." Well he and Jim are probably much more interested then I am; I just want this mission to end so we could get back to the ship.

"That pleases us" said Natira.

"Good. Then you wouldn't mind if we looked around?" Kirk asks. If Natira hears the challenge in Jim's voice, she gives no indication of it.

"Not at all. The people know of you now." Well that was fast; we must have only been here for an hour at least, although saying that we have been unconscious so we have no knowing how long we were out. I take another sip of my drink however I swallow wrong and turn away to cough.

"Are you well enough to go about?" Natira looks at me, again her eyes full with concern. I bristle, ready to claim that I am all right, yet again until I gaze in her eyes and I can see that she really does seem pained and worried about me.

"Perhaps not," I said after rethinking my reply. I hate saying the words, hate admitting even marginally to weakness. I quickly shoot Jim a look, warning him not to believe it. He nods his head in reply, barely, letting me know he understands that my answer is for the distraction he has requested.

"Then why not remain here? Rest, we will talk." Natira says, taking the bait just as Jim had predicted.

"You are very kind" I say in reply not knowing how to react to the attention I am getting, it doesn't happen often when Jims in the same room. Well anyway, that was easy enough. I still don't like it. Jim might not mind having a woman at every star base, but I don't like playing with people's feelings like that. It makes me uneasy and we were never going to have a chance to get serious. Because I … I had only …

"You are free to go about and meet our people," Natira said to the others.

"Thank you. And thank you for taking care of Dr. McCoy" quips Jim.

I glare at Jim. He would get in a parting shot. He's been taking lessons from Spock I bet.

"Not at all. We shall make him well" Natira says her faze still fixed on me. Like a school boy with his first crush, I don't know whether to be flattered or scared. Spock and Kirk both leave the room and a servant brings the tray of food closer.

"No thank you" I said declining the food whilst putting my goblet down on the tray that the other servant carries.

"Leave us" said Natira as she dismisses the servants leaving us alone.

"I'm curious," I start my interest getting the better of me. "How did the oracle punish the old man?" I ask as I remember the red dot that I had found in his temple.

"I … cannot tell you now," she said uncomfortably. This wasn't precisely what she had in mind by 'talk', I'm sure.

"There is some way the Oracle knows what you say, isn't there?" I ask although I think I already know the answer.

She came around to sit on the bed with me. "What we say… what we think. The Oracle knows the minds and the hearts of all people."

I rub my head still trying to get rid of my damn lingering headache. I really don't need some mystery to be solved when my head is killing me, why couldn't a mission be simple and easy to solve for once?

"I did not know you would be hurt so badly," she said, leaning in close.

"It's all right," I mutter, wishing everyone would just leave it alone for a little while. I hope she doesn't hear the bitterness I am beginning to feel at the whole situation in my voice. "I suppose we had to learn the power of the oracle."

"McCoy? There's something I must say. Since the moment I …" she stops mid-rush and pulls back, looking suddenly bashful. "It is not in the manner of the People to hide their feelings."

"Well, honesty is usually wise," is all I can think to say to that.

"Is there a woman for you?" Oh, talk about saying what's on your mind. I debate how to answer her as I don't want to lead her on any further than necessary. I had just also walked myself into a trap with that 'honesty is usually wise' reply. So I actually give it some thought. There's no one woman I am romantically involved with, heck not even a woman that I'm attracted to on the Enterprise. Well there's a thought … and just for a moment, just for a moment, I think of the Enterprise. The ship has never meant the same thing to me as it did for Jim or Spock, though it is something special. Not that it matters; she wasn't going to be in my life much longer, Jim had seen to that by asking Starfleet for my replacement.

"No." I am surprised by the revelation I hear in my voice. "There isn't."

"Does McCoy … find me attractive?" Natira asks.

"Oh, yes," I said before I can stop myself. I am embarrassed about the enthusiasm in my tone and I don't know why. Her beauty suddenly becomes even more apparent to me … yes she is so beautiful. Slower, "Yes I do."

"I … hope you men of space, of other worlds, hold truth as dear as we do." Natira said.

"We do" I reply.

"I wish you to stay here, on Yonada," she said. "As my mate."

What?!

AUTHOR NOTE: This chapter is for Schematization without whose encouragement and advice I would never have continued writing fan fiction after writing my first story, thank you so much! This is also for Westel, Midnight's Raven, Ster J and Wirral Bagpuss who wanted to read more of this story. So would you like me to continue this fic for the remainder of the episode? Please review and let me know.


	3. Chapter 3

DISCLAIMER: Nope I still don't own Star Trek, bummer.

Whoa.

I let my smile slip and raise an eyebrow in question, in pure disbelief.

Did I heard right?

Surely I have not just been proposed to? She can't be serious.

She can't be … could she?

She looks at me, waiting for my answer. I stand up and backing away to get some much needed space between us, to distance myself from her question, to think. Could this be for real? But … as I look in her eyes I see no doubt, no hint of her proposal being anything but serious anything but …

"But we're strangers to each other" I say, the protest slips out of my mouth even as I think it. I have heard of whirlwind romances; what with being friends with Jim, but this is just ridiculous. But … in a whirlwind I would feel alive before I was dashed, wouldn't I?

"But is not that the nature of men and women that the pleasure is in the learning of each other?" asks Natira as she continues to smile at me. What a lovely way to put it. Like a poet, a dreamer and what she says does make some sense, sort of anyway.

"Yes," I agree.

"Let the thought rest in your heart McCoy."

My heart suddenly feels very heavy. Can I really accept her offer? Live here on this ship with her as her … mate … for the rest of my life … a year?

"The People, in the fullness of time," she said with passion, "will reach a new world. Rich, green, lovely to the eyes, and with a goodness that will fill the hearts of the People with tears of joy." Her eyes return from that magical dream to regard me. "You can share that world with me. Rule it by my side."

I'm a doctor, not a ruler! I have no interest in that kind of position; I'm not that kind of person to fulfil it. No someone like Jim would … Jim! Spock! How could I forget them? Suddenly I wonder what they are doing and if they are alright and if … what would they think of me staying here? Well Jim's plan is working wonders, he wanted me to gain her trust and I got a marriage proposal! If things had been just a little bit different, I might have been able to see this place she speaks of. But things aren't different. I know what I have to ask her but it hurts to even think about it.

"How long will it take you to … reach this new world?" I am afraid to ask, to hear the answer. Afraid she might have meant Darren V that is already inhabited and in pending danger of dying. Scared she will give me a time frame that … I don't want to tell her that her lovely dream could not be because there is no such place so close or worse, I am afraid she will tell me the remaining journey would take longer than I have left. It dawns on me with shocking suddenness. I have taken for granted being a part of the future. I intended to give Joanna away to the man of her dreams and I had fully intended to spoil my grandchildren rotten. These plans mean nothing to me now.

Fleeting dreams gone in the light of this new reality that I face myself in.

No more plans.

No more dreams.

No more tomorrows.

But with her I could …

"Soon. The Oracle will only say soon." Natira said as she gives me an uncertain smile with her uncertain answer but what a beautiful smile it is.

I am so tempted.

"Oh, if you only knew how I needed some kind of future, Natira," I said with feeling.

Even the solidity of everyday is falling around me. Before long, all I will have would be the imposed rigors of some hospital somewhere, with the faces of strangers for hollow company. Soon I will no longer have the routine of the Enterprise and the thrill and discoveries of space travel. Soon all the familiar faces - Jim, Spock, Christine, Scotty – will all disappear and have a future without me in it. I can't expect Jim or the others to come as Starfleet doesn't stop for dying friends. Sick and in pain and a burden, that's not how I want to be remembered by them. Suddenly I find myself desperate for an anchor against the impending change but just as terrified to reach for it.

I hate the feeling, afraid of being afraid. I want to push it all away, to hide the whirling thoughts and tangled emotions somewhere where I can't ever find them. But they insist on being known, on making themselves heard and felt. It is as if being here with Natira has somehow broken all the barriers I have so put up since I first saw the word 'Xenopolycythemia' in my chart. The moment that changes my life forever, it feels like it happened so long ago and it has brought with it a lifetime of change.

_Start of Flashback _

_I take a deep breath and face Jim, I hold the pad in my hands to try and hide that they are shaking. My hands have never shaken before now. _

_"That was quite a scene," he comments. This is his way of asking if the 'scene' had anything to do with why Christine has called him down, or if I and Christine had an argument because we were just having a really bad day. _

_I answer as if the 'scene' he has just witness never happened. "I just completed the standard physical examinations for the entire crew." _

_Jim, being Jim, had none of it. "Thanks, Bones. What's the emergency?" _

_First rule of good bedside manners, always give the good news first and so that is what I did. "The crew is fit. I've found nothing unusual. With one exception." My throat seizes. Yes one major exception. _

_"Serious?" Jim prompts. _

_"Terminal," I force out the word, leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I can't believe this is happening. _

_Quietly, he asks the dreaded question, "What is it?" _

_"Xenopolycythemia," I said, now wishing I hadn't sent Christine away. I would have gladly traded jobs with her just now. "It has no cure." Oh course it has no cure, its terminal, I'm terminal. _

_"Who?" Jim asks as he braces himself for the answer. I don't want to give it; no I am not ready to give it. Why didn't Christine give me more time to prepare or better yet why can't she tell him? Ah, hell, I am not fooling anyone. If I had a year, which is now all I got I still won't be ready to tell him. For once I tell nothing is going to be the same again, not ever. I try and stall from giving the answer, giving him my death sentence. _

_"He has a year to live, at the most." I wince at the third person reference to myself. Yes I have a year, 365 days and then … _

_"Who is it?" Jim demands. He must think I am talking about him. Or he knew that I am about to name someone close to him like Spock or Scotty or ... I gulp, is this really happening? I pray that it's just a dream, a nightmare and that tomorrow … this can't be happening. Still in third person mode I tell him of my shocking discovery._

_"The ship's Chief Medical Officer."_

_End of Flashback _

"You have lived a lonely life," Natira said, breaking me free of my memories.

"Yes." I admit to this insightful stranger something I rarely even acknowledge to myself. I think about Jim having requested my replacement and feel even lonelier. "Very lonely."

"No more, McCoy" she stands and approaches me. "There will be no more loneliness for you."

Only if I stay.

I can't in good conscience consider staying. Could I? I couldn't let herconsider this without all the hard, painful facts, it wouldn't be right otherwise.

"There's something I need to tell you." It certainly is a day for difficult words, first with Jim, then with Spock, now this.

"There is nothing you need to say" she said, her tone suggesting that all that needed to be said is "yes" but will she be so willing to accept me when I find the courage to say what needs to be said?

"But there is" I insist, not backing down for she needs to know. Ineed to know. She should have the opportunity to turn away, to reject the pain that will ultimately come, to reject me.

Decide for me.

She looks at me in bemusement. "Then tell me, if the telling is such a need."

Oh it is.

"I have an illness for which there is no cure," I blurt out. "I have one year to live," I add and watch, not certain what I hope to find as I continue to look into her eyes looking for something that will tell me what she is thinking.

Natira looks at me searchingly. I find no pity in her eyes but … acceptance? She doesn't understand, she can't possibly understand. There should be something … less looking back at me. I have just mortally wounded her dreams with the news of my mortality. There can be no fairy-tale ending. Not for us. Not ever. Maybe I have it backwards; perhaps it is me who can't quite grasp the concept.

"Until I saw you there was nothing in my heart," Natira explains. "It sustained my life, but nothing more. Now it … sings." Such a poet. Such a smile. "I could be happy to have that feeling for a day, a week, a month … a year." I hear the hesitation. Has she just realized how little time a year really is? Or is she just making a point? "Whatever the Creators hold in store for us."

I am awed by her strength, her beauty, her compassion and her kindness.

Still pensive, still unsure, I kiss her.

One year … with her …

A year.

AUTHOR NOTE: Thank you for all your reviews and yes I now plan to finish the whole episode. Please continue to review and tell me what you think, i love to know.


	4. Chapter 4

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Star Trek

A/N: Sorry that I have not updated for ages but life got in the way. Until this point I have completely followed the original episode however I have now added scenes that were not in the episode. Anyway enjoy.

I can't believe I am considering any of this. This was madness surely, to even consider the possibility … I half convince myself it is the almost forgotten headache that is getting to me, robbing me of my good sense, but what is good sense to me now, in this place where I am forced to make decisions that could change my life forever. If only I have more time to think, to really consider…

Time …

That is the one thing that I have not got much left of.

I know for certain that I don't have much time to think things through as soon Jim and Spock will find a way to steer this asteroid, no this ship on a different course , I am certain of that. We will not be here for ever; I only have until this mission is over to make up my mind about accepting Natira's offer or not. I look up at the doors, expecting them to open any minute with both of them rushing in, and most likely firing at the guards or in some kind of chase. I take a look around the room again, realizing that I am very much alone, away from Spock and Jim, Natira had left some time ago to let me contemplate matters on my own and I can't help but feel lonely. I don't know what was worse, alone with my thoughts, my sadness and self pity or in a room with people pitying me.

But Natira … she is different somehow … will I find more to like about her in time? What will happen if we decide that we hate each other or if she doesn't like me? And what if she changes her mind? When the novelty wears off, if she finds me and my alien ways to be too strange or too different from her own, then what? I don't know if I can bear heartache on top of everything else.

I would not even have given it a first thought, much less a second, had some stranger off the street asked me to marry her and that's what Natira is to me, a stranger, a beautiful stranger, yes, striking even. It is so easy to loose myself just looking at her but that hardly means anything, just physical attraction, a primeval instinct. It is not logical for me to marry her.

What the blazes am I thinking! Logic! Now I know that I have been around Spock for too long. But it's not just her looks that have me captivated, there is also her manner, so captain like, a leader but a leader who cares and who wants the best for her people. But do I have the right to inflict myself on her and to hope she might actually want to care for me when my illness progresses and I can no longer care for myself?

I barely knew her and already I see that she deserves so much more, to have someone to grow old with and love her for years and not just for a fleeting star struck moment. Can I really stay and give her the pain of watching me die? And what of Jim and Spock, what would they think or say about me marrying this woman, I know Jim suggested that I use her attraction towards me to our advantage and will I have certainly done more then that. The next time I will see them would it be the last? As if on cue a guard enters the room and saves me from wearing a hole in my stomach with indecision.

"What?" I ask irritability.

"You are a Doctor?"

"No I'm a bartender!" I lash out at him, I don't know why; everything has happened so fast I feel like I am being pulled under. I close my eyes and breathe deeply trying to control myself. "Yes, I'm a doctor what's the problem?" I ask.

"I have been sent to collect you. Follow me" he says leaving the room.

I raise an eyebrow at the request, although it seemed more like an order I follow the guard out of the room and along a number of passageways until we are in front of the oracle room. He stops outside the door, I see clearly that he will not go in so I enter alone, expecting to find Natria instead I see the crumpled forms of Spock and Jim. That damn oracle had got to them again! I rush toward and scan them both. I am relieved to find they are all right. They would have headaches when they wake up, nothing that wouldn't pass with time.

"They will be alright and will regain consciousness in little under an hour."

Four other guards appeared and began carrying the limp forms of my two best friends out of the room. I follow them to make sure they are treated right. Once satisfied they are both alright I leave them and try to navigate my way through the many unknown corridors to the room were we previously awoke, to hunt down Natira. As I do so I can't help wishing fervently for our communicators but I remember that the Enterprise's sensors can't penetrate the core of the asteroid ship and even if we had them, we'd likely have to get to the surface before beaming out of there. I have a bad feeling we will have to leave in a hurry. After a few minutes of frantic searching I find the room and enter.

"What are you going to do to my friends?" I ask as soon as I see Natira, walking up to her.

"They entered the oracle room," she said, keeping her back to me, from that gesture alone I know that the situation is very bad.

"And the punishment is death" I state, not asking as I know that it could only be this, anything less and she would face me.

"Yes" she answers turning towards me. "I can make no other decision. We gave them our trust, they betrayed us" her eyes are full with regret, pleading with me to understand.

"They acted out of ignorance, Natira" I reply, quickly defending my friends, even if means that I have to lie to her.

"They said they came in friendship."

They did.

I did.

"Please, let them return to the ship." The pain of leadership fills her eyes. I have seen the same reflection in Jim's; the pain which made such leaders good leaders. The ones who don't take their decisions lightly and stick by them, no matter how much it hurts them to do so but because they had to. Lord grant I never be in such a situation.

She shakes her head in defiance "I cannot."

"For me?" I plea shamelessly, taking her shoulders so she faces me. "I've made my decision. I'm staying here, on Yonada." I have made my decision but hadn't known until I spoke and I don't even know why I made that choice, for me, for her? Now there is no going back. Natira leans into me, relief plain on her face but also agony at the pain she would be causing me. I stand stiffly, unable to hold her. Not yet. Not until I know Spock and Jim will be safe.

"Natira" I push her gently away so she can see my face clearly. "What they did, they did because they felt they had to," I try to explain their actions; certainly she could understand that as a leader herself, as a human being. "Please let them return to the ship. You won't regret it."

There is still indecision in her eyes. So I go for broke, knowingly using her feelings against her, possibly against us. "How do you think I'd feel, if I stayed here with the chance to be happy for the first time in my life, but knowing my friends had died?"

"Yes, so be it" she says taking my hand, kissing it. "This I will do for McCoy."

I sigh in relief.

She kisses my hand again "For our happiness and future."

A future with her, a short one, yes but a happy one. Things were starting to look up. Although, I wonder how the Captain and Mr Spock will take my new found engagement status. Well only one way to find out…

A/N Please review!!!


	5. Chapter 5

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Star Trek, the rights aren't mine, I am just a fan of the show.

Natira reaches into a drawer and pulls out our communicators, three of them.

"I will have your friends escorted to the place from which you first came to our home. Your two friends will want these back." she said, gesturing to the communicators she held in her hand.

I nod, not knowing what to say to her.

"You wish to say goodbye to your friends also." Again she doesn't ask but tells me, can she really know so much in the few short hours that we have met?

In answer I take two of the communicators from her hand and gaze in to her eyes, hoping that my choice, my emotions shows in my own.

It must work as Natira smiles at me and pulls me into an embrace. I can't help but stiffen at this sudden action but as the seconds pass I can feel myself relaxing. In this single moment I feel that I have made the correct choice, to spend my last moments in this whole universe in her arms. To feel loved. There can be nothing wrong with wanting that.

We break apart. She calls in a guard and orders him to see to it that Kirk and Mr Spock are to be escorted to where we first beamed down – that seems so long ago but at the same time ...

"But Priestess they entered the room of the oracle! They have broken our law! A punishment they should be put to death."

"It is my wish that we let the strangers go. You shall obey."

The guard bows and leaves the room, again we are alone.

"You must know that even without this" I gesture to my communicator that she still has in her hand, "I could still go back with them and not return here."

She laughs as if what I said was ridiculous to her. "No, you could not."

"Natira -"

"I trust you McCoy."

I don't know if I'd have had such trust had our positions been reversed.

"I'll be back" I reply, meaning every word. With that I leave the room and follow a guard to the surface. I see Jim and Spock and I hand over a communicator to each of them, of course Jim immediately notices the missing one.

"You're returning with us?" Is Jim asking or hoping, I don't know, however I do know the answer and it isn't something that Jim wants to hear.

"No, I'm not."

Jim looks perplexed and then wounded as if I have wronged him in some way. "Bones, this isn't a planet." Or maybe he only thinks that I myself am confused, that the disease has some how robbed me of my common sense already. "It's a spaceship on a collision course with Darren V." This of course I already know.

"I'm on a kind of a collision course myself, Jim." There would be no avoiding this heading, though.

He stands straighter; more tense, his captain stance that I have seen so often on the bridge or when we are on a mission. Here we go. "Dr. McCoy, I order you to return with us."

I stiffen at the rank pulling, and hold the urge to holler in check. He is not discouraging me that easily. "And I refuse."

Even Spock lifts a brow in surprise. Refusing a direct order is hardly an everyday occurrence in Starfleet after all, nor is giving an order in desperation, to prolong a friend's life.

_"Bones." _

There is some small bit of relief. He is calling me "Bones" and no longer using the colder more professional name of Dr. which means that Jim isn't offended. "If we can't correct the course of this..." again he is confused about what to call this place that we have found ourselves "… ship, we'll have to blast it out of space."

I know that. If it has to be done, at least it will be quicker than my alternative, a year in pain as the disease slowly cripples me, leaving me gasping on to every last breath. At least Starfleet would be sure to do the deed as painlessly as possible if it comes to blasting this planet.

"I intend to stay on this ship with these people," I said. I will not be alone. I hope. "Whatever happens."

"Your decision is most illogical, Doctor." Et tu, Spock? Does he hope to distract me by drawing me into another of our banters I have to wonder? It won't work.

"Is it, Mr. Spock?" Life isn't logical. It's how we choose to do with the time that has been given to us that matters. I just thought that I would be given more time. "Is it really?"

I pause to gather myself before I turn to Jim. "Natira has asked me to stay, and I'm staying."

"As her husband?" Did he have to sound so accusing?

"Yes." How does he know about her and I anyway? "Is that too much to ask, Jim?"

In answer, he flips open the communicator and hails the ship. Scotty, probably worrying sick about us, answers the call.

"We're beaming over. Lock in on our signal." Jim pauses for a moment. Will he support my wish or force me from this place? "And transport Mr. Spock and myself immediately." Well that answers that question.

_"But Captain,"_ Scotty protests. I am touched by his concern. _"What about Dr. McCoy?"_

Jim and I lock gazes.

Yes, what about me?

I read the debate in his eyes.

The terrible thought of leaving someone behind …

Worse, behind on a doomed ship that he could be giving the order to blow up … the guilt …

Judging if my decision is made of my own free will or if I'm under some sort of distress …

Noting that I've not made any signals or any halfway subtle signs that something was up …

Deciding if I agreed to Natira's offer for their benefit and not my own, that maybe she had threatened to kill him and Spock if I didn't marry her …

Then again he could beam me up against my will, force me off Yonada. With that contemplation will come the consideration of whether he would loose a friendship before he lost the friend.

I take a single slow step back.

_Give me this chance at happiness. _

Another step.

_Please grant me this last wish, Jim. _

One more.

_Let me keep a little dignity._

Jim steps closer.

I hold my breath.

He comes to a halt. "He's staying Scotty."

They both keep their eyes on me as the transporter beam slowly swallows them up. I watch as the gold light surrounds them and then all but tinkers out. I don't turn away till there is nothing left to see.

They are gone.

I never imagined I'd feel quite so… so empty. Lonely in a way I have never felt before. Irrationally, illogically, I am angry that they have left me. As if a part of me had hoped Jim would stay, or take me back to the Enterprise with him. Hell of a time for second thoughts.

They didn't even say good bye.

But, then again …

Neither did I.

A/N I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to update but i have writers block. PLEASE review!!!!!!!


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